It’s a dirty world out there — it’s riddled with improper grammar, misspeaks and flat-out language abuse. And then, there’s those of us who have taken it upon ourselves (to the extreme annoyance of the rest of the world) to clean it up. We whip out our dictionaries and AP Style Guides from atop our imagined high horses to sort out the mess.

I’m under no disillusions … I’m among the grammar geeks. And this is one logophile that’s seen a lot of language abuse this year. Here’s my personal list of 2009 gripes.

Literally

“That meeting literally took forever.”

Literally. As in, the opposite of figuratively. If that meeting really, actually took forever, you could not be talking to someone about it in the past tense. You would still be desperately watching the clock slowly tick away in the conference room; and would remain there until the apocalypse.

The word “literally” is not to be used to add emphasis to what you are saying. (There are many other colorful and awesome words that can be used for this purpose. If you’re interested in them, I recommend a thesaurus.) “Literally” is only appropriate for situations that actually happened. It was not literally raining cats and dogs last night. However, I was literally soaked from head to toe after taking the trash out in the storm.

Ironic

“It’s like rain on your wedding day … Isn’t it ironic?”

It’s okay, Alanis Morissette was fuzzy on this one, too. At least you didn’t immortalize it one of your best-known pop songs.

My favorite word guys, the good fellows at Merriam Webster, defines irony as “incongruity between the actual result of a sequence of events and the normal or expected result; an event or result marked by such incongruity.”

Irony requires something beyond just a bad situation. It’s not ironic that I lost my keys and have to sit in the freezing cold until my husband comes home from work. What makes it ironic is that what caused me to forget them is that I put them right in front of me on my desk where I could easily see them because I was worried about forgetting them all day.

I could care less

“I could care less if you smash the car’s windshield in with that sledgehammer … it’s my sister’s.”

If you truly could care less, that’s really quite good. That means you’ll probably take action to defend your sister’s car. How selfless of you.

But generally, people who say this mean that they do not care; they could not care less. So, here it is, straight and simple: say what you mean, not the opposite.

Could of

“I probably could of made it to the store before it closed if I’d gone straight from work, but I was too tired.”

A word to the wise: habitual sloppy pronunciation in everyday talk does not equal correct grammar.

The wince-worthy phrase “could of” (or “should of,” or “would of,”) comes from the lazy pronunciation of “could’ve,” the contraction of “could have,” combined with the thoughtless writing of phrases exactly how they sound instead of how they make sense. The preposition “of” has no business being next “could” in any grammatically correct sentence. Go ahead. Try.

Quotation marks

“For sale ‘one day only!’”

Quotation marks are for designating something someone said. They are also appropriately used to designate a word or phrase being referred to when not used for its meaning (e.g. I hate the word “blunder,”). And they can designate the title of a song, story or episode in a series.

I often see them used to emphasize a word instead. So to the quote-happy of the world: Bold. Italicize. Underline. Box. Highlight. Write in a different color. Use asterisks if you must. Stop using quotation marks.

For more fun with quotation mark blunders, check out the “blog” of “unnecessary” quotation marks.

Exclamation points

“I can’t believe you’re moving!!! We’ll miss you so much!!!!!”

Your words should hold the meat of the expression you are trying to convey. Exclamation points, like all punctuation, should merely support it — punctuation is the balsa wood of language. Relying on exclamation points is like painting a picture with brighter colors instead of filling in the details.

I realize that (aside from using multiple exclamation points for a single sentence) this is a personal preference. I am a punctuation minimalist. But if you find that your sentences frequently require exclamation points in order to convey your message, take a hard look at the language you are using. Is it tired and common? Words are beautiful and full of life. Use them.

Nice

“I had such a nice time tonight.”

“Nice” is one of those words that gets used so much that it has diffused like a flat tire until it has become meaningless. A warm fire after being out in the cold is nice. A thoughtful letter from a special friend is nice. A major accomplishment at work is nice. But these experiences are completely different from each other.

The same can be said of “interesting,” a word I must admit to overusing myself. Let’s all find some new adjectives for 2010, okay?

Irregardless

“Irregardless of her mother’s warnings, Jenny was determined to prove that she could fly.”

News flash: “irregardless” is not a word. The word you are looking for is “regardless.” That’s right, you’ve been wasting away seconds, minutes, maybe even an hour or more of your life on extra unnecessary syllables. Just imagine all the extra time you’ll have now.

Less/fewer

“If I steal five of Justin’s pens, he will have five less than he did before.”

This is a serious grammatical black hole in this country.

These two words are misused not only in casual conversation but in articles, blogs, advertising and other serious professional work.

For once and for all, let’s set the record straight. If the item you are referring to can be counted as individual items (dollars, snowflakes, minions), the word you want is “fewer.” If it is an uncountable amount (money, snow, magnificence), use “less.”

I’m not the only one with a long list of gripes; if there’s one thing grammar sticklers love to do, it’s rant. So, if you’ve got a hankering for the English language, too, here’s where you can go for even more cathartic venting:

• The Lake Superior State University comes out with their list of Banished Words each year (2010’s is not yet released)
• Copyblogger’s post on “Five Grammatical Errors that Make You Look Dumb” has been in their “Popular Articles” side bar as long as I’ve been reading it
• In October, The New York Times wrote its own list of “Words We Love Too Much” (unsolicited “notes from the newsroom on grammar, usage and style”)

Hopefully, this list has done more than satisfy my need to rant; it would be kind of ironic if, in my effort to educate, I instead promoted ignorance by putting people off to grammar altogether.  But then again, I feel much better; so really, I literally couldn’t care less.

I suppose I could’ve just thrown out a “happy holidays!” and been done with it, saving myself time and giving you less grief about something small and, to most the world, petty. But regardless of what most people think, the rules of language is what keeps our language together so that we can reach out to each other and connect — and that is was the holiday spirit is all about, isn’t it?